My daughter doesn’t realize this, but I’ve actually been torturing her with homework since she was about three. Sure it looked different and it was a lot more fun, but it was still technically homework. Every time I played with her, it was secretly homework time. All those bed time stories? Those were homework, too.

However, it was while she was in kindergarten when I realized that homework would be a complete pain in the ass.  She proclaimed to me one day while I went all Reading Specialist on her that I was her mom, not her teacher.

Fast forward to 3rd grade and I have to now assert all my hideousness in our homework routine.   That’s the key folks.  If you want to be a complete horrible monster when it comes to homework you CANNOT under any circumstances let them do the following:

  • Turn on the TV
  • Go to their room
  • Look at your phone

I know that a lot of you are thinking that the TV is background noise.  WRONG!   It’s not.  Not when you’re a child who hasn’t learned how to filter out things while doing something tedious.   And really, who can filter things out like that?   When I’m paying bills or doing something else I don’t want to do, will it help me if I’m watching Dr. Who?  Hell no it won’t!   I’ll completely miss my deadline and just keep hitting play.   Mastercard can just wait.  What can’t wait in that instance is Ten looking all…well, Ten like.  (Sorry Non-Whovians.)   If I do this and I’m an adult who knows better, do you really think a child can tune out PBS?

I know what you’re thinking about number two on my list.   To be truly horrible and hideous you can’t even let them go to their room!   This is where they will trick you.   You’ll think that they are just going to be doing something helpful like feeding their fish, or putting their laundry away.  No.  Believe me when I say this, they will be sneaking some sort of electronics under their bedspread and try to hack into your wifi account to buy new games for their Nook.   Lucky for me, I don’t even know my wifi password!  If I don’t know it, you can bet my kid can’t figure that bad boy out!   This act will get you hated through dinner time, but trust me.  NO BEDROOM!

It shouldn’t be rocket science, but number three is very important.  If you’re distracted by your phone and fooling around with the monstrosity that is Facebook Messenger, your kid will see and, all of a sudden, will fake doing homework while you’re distracted.   Then you’ll check it later and realize it’s all wrong and then the real nastiness ensues.   My favorite homework tantrum this week was when she threatened to tear up her paper.  I shrugged and just said, “It’s your grade.”   She then defiantly slammed her paper on the table and told me I was hideous.

Heed my advice, please.  Save yourselves the headaches.   Have them come home, sit at the table, and get busy.   And rest assured, you WILL be hideous because they will cry and throw a complete 2 year old tantrum over missing their favorite show because they have science homework!

Just yesterday, it was proclaimed to all who would listen that I’m ruining my daughter’s life because I have her get her homework before we go ride bikes.